this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
