apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Welp...herpes.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
