He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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