my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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