i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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