I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
