Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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