I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
