Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
