i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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