you're like a bully in the Christmas story
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
