No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
