Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i drank out of a bidet.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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