I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
