he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
