I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
