Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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