This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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