stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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