I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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