If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
