im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
