If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
