He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Come on in and take your pants off
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