I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
