My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
