We won't sleep together?
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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