you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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