so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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