You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
