In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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