Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
