why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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