I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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