My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
