Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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