Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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