Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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