Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
