Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
