I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
