My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
