Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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