Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
