You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
