@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
