Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just had sex on a roof
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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