Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
