I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
