piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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