Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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