I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
