he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
