my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
