Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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