I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
